Buying up function rooms

corporate events room hireEvery now and then, I like to make my employees feel special. Not just special…appreciated. Because they work so hard, sacrifice so much, suffer penalties for minor misdemeanours and generally live in fear that their worthless, replaceable lives aren’t worth a cent, it’s good to let them know periodically that the company really does honour their work ethic.

I’ve discussed how to do this at length, of course. An entire chapter on it can be found in my second autobiography, Me: The Continuing Story of My Amazing Success, and How I Manage to Spend All My Money, Which Isn’t Easy Because I Make So Much of it. Incentives work to a degree, but there’s nothing like an event. I own practically all of the venues for hire around Melbourne, even if many of them don’t know it, but I’ve actually developed an interesting strategy: host at a function room I DON’T own. If the function room is run by my company, it doesn’t need the business; I’m wildly successful, and that bleeds down into everything I own. No, sometimes you have to help out the little guy. And hey, just because I don’t own the place doesn’t mean it’s no good! I make mistakes. There are oversights.

So once you’ve found your venue, plan accordingly. Excited employees are unproductive employees. Make them think that all they’ve got to look forward to is work, work, work all day, work for the rest of their miserable lives. Then one Friday afternoon, spring it on them: all plans are cancelled! You’re heading for a company event, and you’ll all be consuming your share because it’s pre-paid and every empty bottle will be docked from your pay!

People seem to enjoy it, they let off steam, I get paid so many compliments and people laugh at all my jokes and I can even rest in the knowledge that I’m helping out the other folks. Those function venues here in Melbourne that I don’t own, for some reason. Yes…it’s good to be on top.

-D.T. Lawrence